Harry's Adventures in Wonderland
by a proud geekfreak
Summary: don't you get it from the title? please tell me you get it from the title! if not Harry and his friends go to Wonderland. This will be fun and random, and very close to the Lewis Carroll's books! PG13 for mild language. R&R please!
1. welcoming

Disclaimer! Diclaimer! J.K. Rowelling own all Harry Potter things, and Lewis Carroll owns all Wonderland things. I will make a note of what neither of them do not own. Also I own the INFO girl/booth, and the two birds that appear around the same time as INFO. Another thing, the Wonderland events will be based on the books, not the Disney movie, so that is why I haven't mentioned Disney yet, and never will again. Hahaha Disney! it's not good enough for this story! End of Disclaimer

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"Harry, wake up!"a voice rang out through Harry's ears. Harry expected it to be his aunt yelling at him because he was supposed to be helping make breakfast. 

"What Aunt Petunia?" Harry asked as he stat up and yawned. He looked around and he realized this was not his room in the Dursley's house. It was a meadow, which melted into a hallway with a small door at the end. Then he saw Hermione and Ron looking at him.

"Guys, what going on? Where are we?" Harry asked.

"Well what I figure it was, we were on the train to Hogwarts, and then we ended up here unconscious," Ron told him.

"Okay," Harry said a little confused. "But **how** did we get here?"

"I am unsure Harry," Hermione said. "The best theory we can come up with is this is the work of Voldemort. He must have sent us into another reality."

Harry looked down to the hallway end of the meadow/hallway. There was a door and a table. Harry looked at Ron and Hermione and said, "Shall we see where that door leads?"

They nodded and head down towards the door. The door came up to Harry's shoulder, and the table was at Harry's knees. Ron tried to open the door but it was locked.

Ron looked around for a key when the door said, "You are too big! Even if you find a key you won't fit."

"Bloody hell. Did the door just talk? Hermione, what kind of charm would make non-living object talk?" Ron asked.

"It has to be a very advanced wizard to be able to do that," Hermioneexplained looking at the door.

"What the hell are you all talking about!" the door demeaned. "I have not been charmed to be like this! I was always like this!"

The door started yelling at them about random things, and Harry turned to Hermione and said, "Would you like to do the honors of unlocking the door?"

"My pleasure." Hermione said. Then she turned to the door and said, "_Alohomora_."

The door swung open, and Harry said, "Thank you."

All there of them bent down and went through the small door, and right before they went in they heard the door yell, "You are too tall! This is not supposed to be how it happens! Get back here and do it right!"

When they got into the new area, Ron said, "I'm glad to be rid of that talking door. He was annoying."

"Yes, I am glad to rid of it, but where exactly are we?" Hermione asked.

"Maybe we should ask the girl at the info booth," Harry suggested as he pointed to a tiny booth with a large sign that hung over head, and it read, "INFO" in bright red letters. A girl with reddish brown hair leaned back in a chair, blowing a bubble with her gum, and looking at her nails. She sat straight up when she heard them and said, "Listen I already told you Al…"

She stopped short when she saw who they were. "You aren't Alice. Who are all of you, and how the did you all get in here?"

"We are lost and the door just opened up," Harry said quickly.

"The door just open up, on it's own?" the girl inquired.

"Yup, that is right," Ron repeated.

"Ah, crap. It was such a good door, and now we are going to have to replace it," the girl said sadly. The she whistled and two birds came down. One looked like a woodpecker and the other one looked like a box with wings and a beak. The girl took the woodpecker bird and pushed its head and feet close together. Then she pulled the other birds head and feet apart, making the stomach thin, and easy to write on. She took the woodpecker bird and started using it like a pen, and surprisingly the bird acted just like a pen would act. She jotted down, _Henry opened by himself, letting in three teenagers. They did not do it properly. I am goanna treat them like I did with Alice, send word about how prevent that this from happing again_. The girl squashed the square bird back together, and whistled again, then shooed them on her way.

"How peculiar, it's like our owl system only instead of parchment you actually write on the bird," Hermione observed.

"Oh, you aren't going to do well here," the girl said with a small smile.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Hermione asked offended.

"You'll find out once you start your journey," the girl told her.

"Speaking of journey, where are we and how do we get out of here?" Ron asked.

"Oh, I can only give a limited amount of information," the girl answered.

"Well then you aren't a very good information booth," Hermione said.

"Who said I was an information booth?" the girl asked. "I am an INFO booth. You know International Nationol of Females Organized."

"How can something be international and national?" Hermione asked.

"I said nationol," the girl corrected Hermione.

"Okay, never mind," Harry said cutting off Hermione. "What can you tell us?"

"I am going to have to start off with the basics," the girl said.

She paused took deep breaths and turned around. She was like that for a couple minutes, and Ron was being to become impatient, and started tapping his fingers on the booth. Then she smiled and turned around and said, "Hi, and welcome to Wonderland."


	2. town meeting

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter things, or Lewis Carroll things. I own the pig and ducks. that is all please keep both hands on the keyboard at all times whil reading this. Also don't forget to tip your waitress, (meaning me with a reveiw).

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"Wonderland? What the hell is that?" Ron asked. 

"WONDERLAND! The land from Lewis Carroll's book, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. The book that he wrote when he was high, I think. He was British. Come on now, even people in America know who he is and what Wonderland is," the girl yelled out in shock that these people didn't know what Wonderland is.

"Sorry we don't know what it is, but we do now. And do you know how to get out of Wonderland?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I can't answer that. If anyone could answer that is would be my supervisor," the girl told him.

"Where can we find him?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, he finds you," the girl answered.

"How will we recognize him?" Ron asked.

"He will recognize you, but if you want some help to recognize him, he is always smiling," the girl told them with a huge smile. Then she added, with a even bigger grin, "He smiles no matter what. It makes you want to slap him."

"Thanks," Harry said freaked out.

They turn to leave when the girl called out, "Wait, take a pamphlet. It will probably help you later on."

"Uh, no thanks," said Hermione. Harry also shook his head and then followed Hermione.

"What about you?" the girl said to Ron. "All it will do is help you, and it weighs ¼ of a lb at the most. Please take it."

Ron looked at it, debating when Hermione yelled, "Ron, let's get out of here!"

"Sorry no," Ron said.

"I was just trying to help. I'll be around if you ever want one," the girl said as Ron followed his two friends away from the booth.

"I am so glad I am away from that crazy girl." Hermione said.

"Who do you think her supervisor is?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, did either of you two read that book she was talking about, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland?" Hermione asked.

"Please Hermione, we don't even read the books assigned for school, do you think we'd read a book for fun?" Ron said.

"I have heard something about it," Harry said. "It talks about what it would be like if reality was, um like different. It has all different things of odd things."

"Sounds like Hermione would hate it," Ronjoked with a smile.

"I think we should meet her supervisor," Hermione said. "But just how do we meet him?"

"Let's walk towards the fire," Harry suggested. As they walked closer to the fire they saw a huge group of animals.

"Wait, I remember something about that book, isn't Alice chasing a white rabbit?" Hermione said.

"Shall we look for a white rabbit then?" Harry asked.

As the three wizards and witch closed in on the group of animals, they saw that the animals were conducting them selves like they were at a town meeting.

"NOW, see here!"a pigeon screamed in a high pitch voice. "I demand we do something about those dreadful serpents!"

Harry, Hermione and Ron all had to cover their ears when the pigeon said serpents. The pigeon had screamed this in a voice so high on pitch it could have broken glass.

"We get the picture! The serpents steal your eggs, you tell us this every meeting. There is no need to keep shout at us!" cried a pig with a flannel shirt on.

"Well if someone did something about it I wouldn't have to keep bringing it up!" the pigeon retaliated.

"What about me!"a door mouse yelled out angrily after being woken up from a nap. "I look for a nice quiet place where I could sleep, and no matter where I go people follow me, and start yelling!"

"Door mouse, I assure you, that we did not mean to intrude on your humble sleeping place, but this is where we keep all our town meetings ever since my grandpa start the tradition,"a Dodo told him with a southern accent. The door mouse put his head back down and fell asleep.

"Well, what about the ducks!"a duck, who had a blower's shirt on, said. "We told you six months ago, that duck season was about to begin, but did you do anything? No! I have seen my flock that was once 12, been reduced to 3! I demand that you put forth a plan that will make sure that this vile duck season will never return again!"

"Now, see here! Everybody listen up!" the Dodo yelled out in his accent. "If you have a formal complaint you must put it in writing. I am a forgetful bird and if it isn't in writing it will not stay in my head. Also, anything new, which we haven't heard before?"

The Dodo looked around, everyone was silent. The ducks were looking amongst them selves to see if they had anything else. The pig was looking down at his hooves, the pigeon was watching for a serpent, and the door mouse took the silence as an opportunity to catch up on some sleep.

"I have a question," Hermione stated.

"No Hermione, don't," Ronpleadedwithher.

Hermione dismissed him and asked, "Who hunts the ducks? I don't see anyone around who has any needs to hunt a duck."

"WHO! WHO HUNTS A DUCK!" the duck with the bowler shirt yelled out. Then a duck with a Hawaiian print t-shirt fainted, and the other duck just stared at this girl.

"Yes, who hunts you?" Hermione asked again.

"THE QUEEN! The queen of hearts hunts us! Do you think the pig would hunt us? NO, it is the queen and her court!" the duck yelled at Hermione with a wild rage.

"I, I … didn't know there was a queen here. I thought since there was only animals around, that only animals live here," Hermione told them getting flustered, and embarrassed.

"Do you really thinkthe queen would come to a lousy town meeting?" the pig asked her with a condesending smile.

"I say!" the Dodocried, offended. He didn't like someone dissing the tradition set down by his grandpa.

"This must be a work of serpents!" the pigeon yelled out in her high pitch voice.

At that point everyone at the town meeting, including Ron, yelled at the pigeon, "SHUT UP!"

The fact that everyone yelled was amazing because if you recall, the door mouse was a sleep, and one of the duck had fainted. It was quite peculiar seeing the door mouse and the duck all-of-a-sudden getting up; yelling and then going right back down.

"That is it! Meeting adjourned," the Dodo yelled out. The pigeon flew away watching out for serpents; the ducks grabbed the unconscious one, and waddled away. The pig took out a cigar and started smoking it, as he walked towards his home. The door mouse pleased to finally have it quite again, got up, curled up in a ball on an empty seat, and fell asleep again.

Hermione, Harry and Ron were standing there, unsure were to go, when the Dodo walked up to them and said, "You with the busy hair! What in God's name do you think you were doing? Brining up the Queen? What kind of dumb animal are you?"

"I am not dumb," Hermione yelled at him.

"Of course you aren't dumb, if you were dumb wouldn't have been able to say anything about they queen," Dodo told her. "What type of animals were your parents? You have teeth like a beaver, but hair like a squirrel's tail."

Ron sniggered, at these comments, which lead Hermione to lash out on him and hit him in his arm.

"OW! What did I do?" Ron tried to ask innocently.

"Shut it Ron!" Hermione told him with a lingering glare.

"Um, Mister, …" Harry said trying to figure out what exactly was the creature in front of them.

"Dodo's the name," Dodo told him.

"What the bloody hell is a dodo?" Ron asked, a little to loud.

"I am a Dodo. My son is the last of our kind." The Dodo said angrily looking at Ron with an "I will set you a blazed now" stare.

"Sorry," Ron said scared of the look he was getting from both the Dodo and Hermione.

"Well, Mr. Dodo, we were looking for either the white rabbit, or the INFO's girl supervisor. Do you know where we can find either of them?" Harry asked.

"The supervisor will find you," Mr. Dodo told him very seriously in his southern accent. "And the white rabbit isn't very fun. He is always in a hurry, and signing, 'I'm bait, I'm bait, for a very important date, No time to say hello goodbye, I'm bait, I'm bait, I'm bait.' It is most annoying."

"Could you point us in a direction, or something?" Ron requested.

"Fine, that way, into the wood,." Dodo said.

"Thanks," Hermione said coldly. She was still offended by the beaver squirrel remark.

She started marching off towards the direction, turned around and said to the guys, "Come on. I **want** to get out of here."


	3. white rabbit's house

**Disclaimer: check out other chapters. **

**a/n: thanks for all my reviews! i love you all! and i will try to keep this story its strange weirdness. Alos, I am merging the two books done by Lewis Carroll so it might go out of oder, but other then that,the chapters might be short, or they might be long it really depends**.

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"I am starting to think, maybe going into the forest wasn't such a good idea. Lots of bad things happen in forests. You never know what kind of creatures are in them. There could be werewolves, centaurs, and big, creepy, hairy, disgusting spiders," Ron said with a gulp as he looked around for such spiders he had just described. 

The three of them were climbing through a thick forest. The path that they had started on soon became less visible with leaves covering it, and now it was completely gone. Harry was leading the way while Ron was trailing behind, freaking out over every sound.

"Honestly Ron, some times I don't know how you got into Gryffindor," Hermione told him with a smile.

"I assume it has something to do with family," Harry joked.

"I'll have you know that I got into Gryffindor on the fact that I will face danger when it is called for. However, right now, I see no need to go into danger, so I suggest we all turn around and leave," Ron stated, with a worried look around.

"Nonsense, Ron these woods can't go one forever," Hermione said.

As Hermione said that, the woods began to thin out, and they saw light at the end. As Harry crept up on the light he saw that there was a neat little house that had an upstairs and a downstairs. Harry pointed to the house to show Hermione and Ron. The house had a white picket fence all along the perimeter. The door that was on the picket fence had a little brass plate on it. The brass plate read, W. RABBIT.

Then they saw the white rabbit pacing in his yard, yelling in the house, "Hurry up Mary Ann."

Harry went into the yard and walked up the rabbit and asked, "Are you the white rabbit?"

"Yes, oh dear, I'm late. Mary Ann, will you hurry up please!" The white rabbit replied to Harry looking at his pocket watch.

"Will you please tell me how to get home?" Harry asked.

"Oh dear, the queen will have my head!" the rabbit said, not listening to Harry. The rabbit placed his pocket watch back in his pocket and ran toward his house, when out of now where, a large leg and foot appear popping out of the door. Another leg appeared out of the rabbit's kitchen window, and then two large arms popped out of two windows upstairs.

"Harry, you might want to get out of there," Hermione suggested.

Harry joined Ron and Hermione on the other side of the fence. The rabbit started to run around in circles till he saw the Dodo passing by, then he cried out, "Mr. Dodo, Mr. Dodo, please help me! There is a monster in my house!"

"Come on, let's keep moving. This is starting to freak me out," Ron said as they started walking towards the woods again.

As the passed the edge of the white rabbits fence, the INFO girl stood there and cried out, "Pamphlets! Get you hot fresh pamphlets! Right here, and they are free, light weight, and informational!"

"How did she get here before us?" Harry asked.

"I took my walking shoes," the girl said with a smile, as her shoes got up and started walk towards the rabbit's home. The girl didn't have any control over them and almost fell.

She ran into the fence and said, "The only problem with these are how easily I lose control!"

Then her walking shoes turned into running shoes, and she jetted off into the direction that Ron, Hermione, and Harry just came from.

"Does she get odder every time we see her?" Hermione asked.

"I think we should stay away from the woods, and should just stay here," Ron said.

"We can't do that, we have to keep moving. Also with out Hedwig or Pig we can't send word to Professor Dumbledore," Harry said looking glum.

"Oh, and what about my poor Crookshanks," Hermione added.

"Good riddance," Ron mumbled quietly to Harry. Harry had to hold back his laughter because he knew Hermione would get mad and not speak to Ron again.

"Oh poor Crookshanks, she will be left alone with no one to care for her! We have to get back! What if no one feeds her?" Hermione asked worried.

"Hermione, Crookshanks can take care of himself, don't worry," Ron reassured her.

"Ron's right, but I still think we should try and get back to my Crookshanks," Hermione concluded.

"Yeah, let's go and see if we can find a path in those woods," Harry said, heading towards the direction of the white rabbit's back yard.

Ron hesitated for a moment and saw Hermione and Harry be engulfed by the woods. Then Ron started to following them muttering, "Man, always with the woods."


	4. Dee, Dum, the caterpillar, and flowers

Hermione was trailing in the back worrying about poor Crookshanks, so she didn't see these two plump figures standing there. The figures looked to be identical twins, which were very fat. She ran into the one on the right. Ron and Harry heard her fall, and they turned around to see Hermione poking the one on the right's belly, to see if it was alive, or if it would move.

"Hermione, stop that," Ron said. "Fat people don't like to be poked."

"Contrariwise, fat people don't like to be fat," the one on the right said.

"Fat people don't like to be called fat. Nohow," the left one stated.

"Yes, I guess you both have a point," Harrycommented confused.

"Do either of you know how to get out of Wonderland?" Ron asked.

"You can't get out, you can just get in. Nohow," the one on the left said.

"Contrariwise, you can get out, just can't get in," the one on the right said.

"Well obviously we can get in or we wouldn't be here right now, so you on the right must be wrong," Hermione stated, rather proud that she was using logic to shot down the stupid theory of someone not being able to get in, but he or she could get out.

"Contrariwise, you can get out of the place you just came from, then in that case, you can't get back in," the right one corrected.

"You can't get out of this place, but you did get in. Nohow," the left one said.

"That doesn't make any sense." Hermione yelled out in frustration.

"I know what you are purposing, but it isn't so. Nohow," the left one stated.

"Contrariwise, if it were so then it would be, but it ain't so it isn't. That's logic for you," the right one said.

"NO, that isn't logic!" Hermione yelled out at them. Ron burst out into laughter at the sight of Hermione getting red in the face, and not being able to make any sense of anything. Ron was beginning to love Wonderland more and more.

"Who are you?" Harry asked to keep Hermione from lashing out on them.

"You have begun all wrong," said the one on the right.

"You should have shaken hand and asked 'how d'you do?'" the left one told them.

"Well if you tell us who you are then we will do that," Hermione said, and then she added looking at Ron, who was still laughing, "Shut up Ron!"

Then all of a sudden they heard a silkily, quiet, mocking voice sign out,

"_Tweedledum and Tweedledee  
__Agreed to have a battle;  
__For Tweedledum said Tweedledee  
__Had spoiled his nice new rattle._

_Just then flew down a monstrous crow,  
__As black as a tar-barrel;  
__Which frightened both the heroes so,  
__They quite forgot their quarrel."_

Everyone started looking around for the owner of the voice. There was no one around except for them. Ron saw crescent shape shinning figure thinking it was the moon. Then Ron blinked and it was gone. Ron, was unsure if wether or not to say something. For one reason, it was the middle of the day so it couldn't be the moon, and they would just think he was seeing something. Thus, Ron kept quiet.

"So which one is Tweedledum and which one is Tweedledee?" Harry asked.

The left one raised his hand and said, "I am Tweedledum."

The right one raised his hand and said, "I am Tweedledee."

Hermione then curtsied and asked, "How d'you do?"

Then both Tweedledum and Tweedledee extended their hands. Hermione didn't want either of them to feel insulted, so she grabbed both of their hands. Then they started dancing around in a circle, except Dee didn't have the best coordination and he fell on top of Dum, who feel on top of Hermione. (EVIL LAUGHTER! Mmmwwwhahaha! The evil laughter you just heard came from the author of the story, because both Tweedledee and Tweedledum are extremely fat and heavy and they fell on Hermione! YESSSSS! Say that all in one breath, and you will see how excited I am about that.)

Ron and Harry started laughing so hard they fell on the ground, and couldn't get up for a couple minutes. Also their eyes stared to tear up from laughing so hard. Then Ron wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I will never forget that."

Hermione who had by this point been able to recover from being crushed, (MMWWHAHA!), ignored Ron and asked Dee and Dum, "Now that we have been properly introduced, how may we find our way out of Wonderland?"

"Do you like poetry?" Dee asked.

"No," Hermione said flatly, knowing where this would lead.

"Wait till we sign her the _'The Walrus and the Carpenter',_" Dum said.

"No, please don't," Hermione begged.

The two men didn't listen to her and the started signing. Hermione edged over to Ron and Harry and whispered, "Let's make a run for it."

Harry and Ron nodded and followed Hermione back into the woods. The started walking towards any direction, and after a while the woods melted into a nice meadow with flowers near the end of it. At the end with the flower, a road started, and it looked to go into a huge mansion. They started making their way towards the mansion hoping someone would be home to help them find their way.

Harry stopped, and listened. He looked at Hermione and Ron and asked, "Did either of you two hear something?"

The three of them stopped and listened. Then by the wind they heard a whisper ask, "WHO ARE YOU?"

"You all did just hear that right?" Harry asked.

Then they heard an even louder, "**_WHO ARE YOU?" _**

"I think we better keep going." Hermione suggested as they quickly started to walk away.

Then they heard a **_"WHO ARE-"_**, but it was cut short. They stopped and looked around for what could have made the 'Who Are You?' stop.

Ron looked on the bottom of his shoe, and said, "Eww, I think I stepped on a caterpillar. It must have been a big one. That is so nasty."

"Ron stop looking at the bottom of you shoe, and let's keep moving," Hermione scolded.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Ron said wiping off the remains of the caterpillar on a mushroom.

(In comes a break were the author will once again have evil laughter, mwhahaha!)

As they closed in on the side of the field with the flowers, Hermione stopped and smelled them. She looked at Harry and asked, "Do you think the same person who bewitched the door to talk, bewitched the flowers to talk too?"

"Hey!" cried out a Tiger-lily. "We are not bitches!"

"No, no, dear flower, I said _bewitched_, not that word," Hermione said quickly in order not offend the flower again.

"Oh, well in that case, cool. 'Sup?" the flower asked.

"We are trying to find the INFO's girl supervisor, or our way got of Wonderland," Hermione informed them.

"Damn girl, have you take one of the INFO's girl pamphlets? They are off the hook! They helped my cousin Tulip find her way, and now she is saved," the Tiger-lily told Hermione.

"Actually no we haven't taken on of her pamphlets," Hermione confided.

"Well you should, cuz I ain't fooling with ya, they hotter then Usher on the fourth of July," the Tiger-lily said and she got a big agreement from the flowers behind her.

"Who is Usher?" Ron asked.

"Dang!" all the flowers said in unision.

Then a daisy cried out, "The rose doesn't know who is Usher!"

"HEY!" Ron and the Roses called out.

Ron looked at the daisies and exclaimed, "I am not a rose!"

"Of course not, your to ugly to be one,"a Rose told him.

"True dat, he looks like a weed,"a Daisy called out.

Ron glared at the flowers, and then he got an idea. Ron walked over to the Daisies and picked them. There was a scream from every flower there. Ron dropped the flower he had in his hand and squished it into the ground. The flowers all fainted, which really means they withered. Ron had an evil smirk placed on his face.

"Ron! They are living this! How could you do that?" Hermione asked out of complete horror.

"It just like picking flowers back in out reality, only these flowers can talk," Ron told her.

"Get away you monsters!" the Tiger-lily yelled at them. She was the first flower to regain consciousness, meaning first flower to stand up right again.

"I am sorry for what he did. We are going now," Hermione apologized, and pulled Ron away from the flowerbed.

Harry followed them, and saying to his self, "I am going to think twice before picking another flower ever again."

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a/n: I have **always wanted** to see the **caterpillar get squished** because he was so mean, rude, and bossy. **SO NOW HIS FATE IS THE BOTTOM OF RON'S SHOE! (EVIL LAUGHTER! MMMMWWWHAHAHAHAHAHA!) **

Also, I'm **really happy** that the **fat Tweedledee and Tweedledum crushed Hermione! **

**(more evil laughter! MMMMWWWHAHAHAHA!)  
**review if you agree or disagree with the Hermione things.


	5. bizarre bazaar and kitchen converastion

Disclaimer: Own no Harry Potter, or Wonderland characters. I do own Hermione's rant on cats. (It is mine, and I might need it later when I become a stand up comic! like that is goanna happen!)

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As the three of them walked up to the mansion there was a frog butler. He looked sad sitting there, with nothing to do. Also he looked over worked, and that remained Hermione of a house elf job and how they looked, that she felt this poor frog must have been this reality's house elf. 

She walked up to the thing and said, "You don't have to take this. You have rights. You can stop working for an unfair employer and started working for yourself, or an employer that you want."

"Excuse me miss, but I believe you are out of place. I want to work for my employer, and of course I know I have rights. What do you think me as dumb as those silly flowers?" the frog butler asked.

"No, I just thought because you looked so tired and worn down, that your employer was harsh and cruel," Hermione said, flustering.

"And I thought you looked like a clever child, but I guess I was wrong also," the frog retorted.

"Fine if it isn't your work that has made you look so tried, what did?" Hermione asked getting fed up with Wonderland with every passing second.

"My work wore me out, not my employer." The frog told her.

Hermione flexed her fingers and it looked as though she would strangle the frog. She snarled up her face and let out a yell. Then she started pulling at her hair.

Harry took her in his arms and tried to comfort Hermione. Ron walked up to the frog and asked, "Do you or anybody else in that mansion know how to get of Wonderland, or find the INFO girl's supervisor?"

"I never cared for that stupid thing. And as for the way out, I don't know for the only part of Wonderland I see is the woods," the frog told him. "But if you really do want to see the INFO girl's supervisor, try asking her. She is inside as we speak."

"What? **THAT BLASTED GIRL GOT HERE BEFORE US!**" Hermione yelled out of rage.

"Yes, but I wouldn't go in there if I were you," said the frog, completely unaffected by Hermione's rage. "She is in there with the ANTHONY girl. And then the crazy weasel lady is in there too."

"How do we get in?" Harry asked.

"That is normally my job, but since I am out here I can not let you in," the frog told them.

"But then how will you let yourself in?" Hermione asked.

"When it is my job to let myself in, I will let myself in," the frog answered her, and Hermione went back to pulling her own hair.

"I think we will try to let our selves in," Ron said, as he pushed open the door.

The mansion was huge. It had one of those spiral staircases. The three of them climbed up it getting dizzy. When they reached the top of the stairs the sight made them gasp. There were rows upon rows of booths with people handing out pamphlets, and yelling at the top of their lunges. The sheer noise of all these people yelling would have knocked someone down the stair, which if it didn't kill them would leave them with a massive headache. However, the noise did not push any of them down the stair, wait maybe it did with Hermione (contemplating…………………………………………………………….. nah) none of the three wizards fell down the stairs. They stood in awe of the rows upon rows of booths. When I say rows upon rows, I mean there were rows right next to each other, and rows on top of rows.

"How on earth are we supposed to find the INFO booth?" Hermione asked as they started to explore this bizarre bazaar.

"I'll ask at this booth." Ron said as he pointed at this booth with the letter RWF.

Ron walked up to the girl at the booth and made a little coughing noise to let her know he was there. The girl there had brownish red hair, and it looked as though the red was fading out. The girl had her back towards Ron, and when she turned around he shirt had a picture of Ron printed on it, and she had a button that said Weasley is my King and I'm his Queen!

She saw Ron and screamed, "OH MY GOD! YOU ARE RON WEASLEY! I LOVE YOU!"

"Uh, thanks. Where is the INFO booth?" Ron asked completely shocked, with this scared and worried look on his face.

"Forget the INFO booth do you know what booth you are at?" The girl was asking extremely loudly. "You are at the Ron Weasley Fanclub booth! I can't believe it is you! I can I have a lock of your hair?"

"Uh, no thanks but I think I have to go," Ron said as he bolted away. He didn't know where he was going, as long as he was getting away from the crazy lady. Unfortunately for Ron, she was right behind him screaming about how gorgeous he was. She also had gotten the other members of the Ron Weasley Fanclub to chase after him also. Thus, the people at the booths saw this kid with robes on, and who had flaming red hair running around with a group of girls who were sharing the same characteristics of a stampede of wild animals.

Hermione and Harry who were watching this whole thing from the sidelines were just staring with their mouths hung open. Hermione looked at Harry and said, "Let us never speak of this again."

Harry nodded viciously in agreement. Harry then looked around to see where Ron went to, and he noticed a map. It was those maps that you see in amusement parks and malls. Harry walked over to it and started reading it. He looked around for a little square that said INFO on it but he couldn't find it. He looked around to find where he was when he say the little red dot say, "You are here."

Harry started walking back toward Hermione to show her the map. That is when he noticed that if he moved so did the red dot. He walk towards his right and the dot followed. Then he moved to the right, and the dot followed. Then he did a fake right, and then went even more left. The dot did the exact same thing as he did. Harry started to mess around with the dot till where it was suppose to say, "You are here" tt said, "Stop moving you dumb ass, so I can freaking place you!"

Harry stopped still. He knew there was a charm you can put on a map to show where everyone was, but he never knew that it could yell at you while telling you where you were. Hermione walked over to Harry and asked, "Harry, what are you doing?"

"I don't think I am supposed to move, or talk," Harry answered quietly, trying not to move his lips.

Hermione looked at the map and said, "Wonderful! Harry you found a map! Finally a thing that will make sense."

Hermione studied the map with Harry and saw this massive red dot labeled, RWF, following this little dot that said RW. She continued to for an INFO booth, and when she couldn't find one she let out an exhausted sigh.

She looked at Harry and said, "Well, it looks like she left."

"Hermione didn't that frog tell us she was somewhere in this mansion with an ANTHONY girl and a crazy weasel girl. Well, this is a mansion, so who says she is in this room?" Harry suggested, but then quickly shut up and didn't move because the little dot yelled at him to shut up.

"Harry you're right, come one let's go get Ron and get out of here," Hermione said tugging him towards where the RW dot was hiding.

Hermione and Harry found Ron cowering under a Viagra booth. He was so relieved to see Hermione and Harry. He let out a sigh of relief, and said, "Thank God. Two people who don't want any piece of me. Did you know I have three guys in my fanclub?"

Ron got that worried scared look that he is famous for, and curled up into a ball. Then he said, "You have to promise me we never talk of this again, we don't let anyone else know."

"We already made that pact," Harry informed him.

"Hey, is that Snape and Sirius over there?" Hermione asked looking out to an indoor field (and I do not know how the owner of the mansion was able to have an indoor field, I suspect a sky light over the field).

"Where?" Harry asked.

"There." Hermione pointed to the field. Harry and Ron followed her point and were amazed to see it was Snape and Sirius.

Harry ran over there overjoyed to see his godparent alive, and not dead. (And I am **dead serious** about that!) Ron pulled his robe over his head to hide his identity, and then Ron and Hermione followed Harry over to the indoor field.

"She will be mine Severus!" Sirius cried out, pointing his wand at Snape.

"She has already picked me over you! Get over it!" Snape yelled out.

"Never, prepare to die!" Sirius said.

"Expelliarmus!" Snape yelled out and Sirius's wand went flying away.

Then an average size girl who had long dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, walked up and said, "Sirius, I hate you, seriously."

Then the girl walked over to Snape and said in a babyish tone, "But I love my sexy Sevy!"

Then she started making out with Severus. Then the girl pulled Severus into a tool shed, and it looked like Severus wasn't resisting. Sirius, who didn't know what to do now that he had no wand, turned into a black dog and then disappeared. Hermione, Harry, and Ron stood there in aw over what they just saw.

"I think I am going to be sick," Hermione said, as she rushed over to a garbage container.

Ron just stood there was a look of pure horror and disgust. Harry just pouted over the loss of Sirius, and almost cried. (Once again, I am dead serious!)

Harry regained him self, and ignored the tool shed that banging sounds could be heard from and went over to check on Hermione.

"I am alright. I didn't really throw up; it was just the shock that Snape is with someone. I thought he wasn't seeing anyone," Hermione explained.

Ron walked over and said, "Something else we never speak of again."

Harry and Hermione only had time to nodded before they heard, "There he is girls! There is Ron Weasley!"

"Run!" Ron demanded, as he pushed Hermione and Harry forward.

The three of them started running full speed through the rows, trying to escaped the mad mob behind the, till finally they saw the stairs. Only, Harry missed seeing the stairs, and wasn't able to stop in time, even though he heard Hermione yell out, "Watch out for the STAIRS!"

Harry tripped and ended up plummeting down the stairs. Ron and Hermione stood there for a second and just watched Harry fall down the spiral staircase. Then Hermione took out her wand and used the freezing charmed. It worked, to some extent. Harry froze, but then unfroze, and he went skyrocketing towards the right. Luckily for Harry, he landed on his butt.

Harry sat on the floor, and his head felt like it was spinning. As he his eyesight came back into focus he saw the girl who had started making out with Professor Snape, and a girl that looked like a cross over between the INFO and the RWF girl. They crept up to him in perfect union, and said together in an evil creepy voice, "No body wants you."

Then their lips curled up into an evil smirk, and repeat, "No body wants you. Dead serious."

Harry looked at them confused wondering if they said dead Sirius or dead serious. Then her heard Ron and Hermione clambering down the stairs as fast as they could. He looked their way and when he looked back at the girls, there was only the INFO girl smiling at him, but her smile wasn't the evil one he had seen earlier.

"You ok? You took a nasty fall. Do you have a headache?" the girl asked quietly, so if he did have a headache, her talking wasn't going to disturb it.

"Yeah, I do," Harry told her, putting his hands to his newly throbbing head.

Then Hermione ran over and said extremely loudly, "Are you okay?"

"OW!" Harry answered, casting an annoyed glare towards her. "I will be if you stop yelling."

"It is best if we talk in a whisper around him, and we get him so Advil," the INFO girl said.

"Why not Tylenol?" Hermione asked.

"Because Tylenol is the work of the devil," the girlexplained as her voice turned into a really creepy low, scratchy voice.

"Oh, ok," Hermione whispered scared.

Then they heard a person right next to them scream, "RON!"

No one had noticed that the RWF girl had ran down the stairs after Ron and was standing right next to Ron. Ron screamed and tried to hide behind the INFO girl.

"Back off Karen!" the INFO girl told the RWF girl. "He is with INFO now."

"Hello, his name is in the RWF's title!" Karen the RWF girl said. "Beside he doesn't want to go with you, Katherine, he wants to go with me."

"No thanks, I think I'll stay with the girl who hasn't chase me around," Ron said.

"But…" Karen said as her eyes went red, and she started to snarl at Ron. Katherine started to hiss at Karen and she really did sound like a cat. Katherine raised her hands in the air and stretched out fingers, as to use her nails, like a cat uses their nails.

"Now go away!" Katherine demanded. Then she added a hiss.

Karen dropped her snarl and pouted, "Fine."

Karen started to walk back up stairs, when she turned around and asked, "Just one lock of hair?"

Katherine hissed at her loudly, and swatted at her. Karen started running up the stairs, but soon got dizzy, and had to pause, and continued walking up the stairs at a slow pace.

"Thanks," Ron said, and then to fill the silence he asked, "So, your name is Katherine?"

"Actually it is Karolyn (and for you readers it is pronounced **CARE-O-LYN**, not CARE-O-LINE, take that Mr. S! My name is pounced **CARE-O-LYN**!) but I much rather be called the INFO girl." The INFO girl said.

"That is normal," Hermione muttered.

"So, we asked the frog thing out side for whereabouts of your supervisor, and he said come inside and ask you. So where is your supervisor?" Harry asked.

The INFO girl started laughing. She said, "You are still trying to find my supervisor, I thought I told you, he would find you."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron all hung their heads in guilt. The girl smiled at this and said, "Why don't you come in the kitchen with me, and get a pamphlet? My supervisor might find you while you are in there."

They picked their heads up, catching on to the clue. The INFO girl smiled, and said, "Anyway you would get to meet the ANTHONY girl, and the weasel lady. Ron, I think you would get along with the weasel lady." Then the girl smiled and said, "No pun intended, Weasley."

The three teenagers followed the girl into the kitchen. The kitchen, was big, it had twenty different stoves, nineteen different tables, eighteen delicious Twinkies, seventeen microwaves, sixteen blenders, fifteen new frigs, fourteen full freezers, thirteen types of fruit, twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree! "Happy Hanukah, and a merry Kwanzaa!" Someone screamed out who was full of holiday cheer.

"Just ignore the geese and the swans," the INFO girl told them. "What the geese don't know is that they are going to make some orphans really happy and full on Christmas day, or on one of the nights of Hanukah. Or on one of the nights of Kwanzaa."

"Good to know." Hermione looked around at this place. She thought it belonged it a zoo.

TheINFO girl led them all the way to the back corner of the kitchen. When I said the kitchen was big before, I meant like the one room was a big as one level from a skyscraper. All of those things described from 12 and below were in the font fourth of the kitchen. The rest of the kitchen was empty except for the back corner where there was an extremely ugly woman, or man, they couldn't tell, was holding a baby, and there was a cook adding a spice to a soup, and throwing things at the ugly (we are going to say man for right now). Then next to the ugly man (?) there was this cat sitting on the floor grinning.

"Where is the ANTHONY girl?" asked Harry.

"Right here," said a voice from behind the ugly man (?). The girl had frizzy light brown hair, and had glasses.

"What up?" The INFO girl asked. Then she added, "Hey this is Hermione, Harry and Ron."

"Hi, do you know what ANTHONY means?" The ANTHONY girl asked.

"No and we don't really care, because it will probably be some answer like Anti Normal Thinking Homies Only Nature Yiddish," Hermione said crankily.

"Is this the one you were talking about?" The ANTHONY girl asked the INFO girl.

The INFO girl nodded. Then the ANTHONY girl said, "ANTHONY doesn't mean that, it means the name of the most famous ant ever! And I here at the ANTHONY fan club am ashamed that you don't know who Anthony is."

"Oh." Hermione said understanding. Every time she thought she figured out the bizarreness to Wonderland it changed on her, and became normal. Well, semi-normal she had never heard of a famous ant before.

Then this shriveled, hunched, old lady stepped out and said, "I know too much. The weasels created the world, and soon they will get me."

"Everyone this is the weasel lady," The INFO girl explained, but it was pretty obvious who this crazy old lady was.

"The weasels created the world. And now they hide underground waiting for the day to come back up," the old woman ranted.

"She actually has some good evidence to back up that theory," the INFO girl told them.

"Like what?" Ron asked both the INFO girl and the old woman.

"Well, don't weasels like shinny things?" the woman asked. They all nodded know that was true. Then she continued, "Well isn't a diamond shinny? And aren't diamonds under ground where the weasels are? Thus that proofs that the weasels are underground!"

Hermione was about to lash out on the old woman, when the INFO girl whispered, "I wouldn't challenge her theories, the last person who did ended up going mad, well more mad then he already was."

Hermione could already feel herself going mad so she kept silent. The ugly person, who we now find out to be a lady, in fact she the Duchess, said, "Alright you explained your theories now be gone."

"WOW!" Ron exclaimed seeing her for the first time. "You are ug… magnificent looking."

The Duchess looked at him and said, "The moral of that is when the obvious needs to be pointed out they, … they will … they will call …"

The Duchess couldn't get her moral out, because she broke down crying. And the Duchess made her morals clear, even if she was unconscious you could make out her moral, and so to make her stop in the middle of a moral was an extreme accomplishment.

The INFO girl g patted the ugly one's back and said, "There, there, I am sure you plastic surgeon will fix it."

"Who do you think made her that way? Not even the devil would be so cruel," said the smiling cat.

The Duchess started bawling and ran towards the exit of the kitchen. Of course she was extremely fat so she only made it about 10 feet before having to catch her breathe.

The cat just continued to grin and yelled after her, "Yeah, go cry to your plastic surgeon, and complain about how he screwed up your facial. While you are there ask for some liposuction, Fatty!"

They could hear the Duchess cry even harder and louder because of the cat's remarks.

"That was mean," Hermione told the cat.

"I grin and share, not grin and bear," the cat responded with a grin. "I share everything. Yes, I even share the obvious."

"Right on Cheshire puss!" the INFO girl said, petting the cat.

"I dislike it when you call me that," the cat told her for the hundredth time.

"Got ya boss," the girl said.

"Oh, you are this girl supervisor?" Hermione exclaimed. "We've been looking all over for you."

"KAROLYN! I thought I told you to tell anyone who wanted to find me that I would find them," the Cheshire cat growled.

"Hey, I did tell them that, Big C, they just wouldn't listen," the INFO girl defended.

"Yeah, that's right," Harry said, jumping up to the INFO girl's defense. "We went looking for you because we looked for the rabbit but he didn't help us. Thus we tried finding you."

"Oh, well, of course the rabbit couldn't help you, he isn't smart enough," the cat said grinning.

"He is smart enough to beat you in chess," the INFO girl joke.

The cat was able to pick up his head, and turn it around, and then place it on his neck. Now his body was facing Harry, Hermione, and Ron, but his head was facing the INFO girl. He grinned at her and said, "Break's over. Go hand out pamphlets!"

"Got ya, C," the girl replied, putting on a fake grin. Then she added to Harry and Ron, "Want a pamphlet?"

The cat looked disapproving at the girl, and Harry said, trying not to get her in trouble, "I would love a pamphlet. I would have taken on earlier, but I was in such a rush."

"Yeah, I'll take one too. You have my intrigued my interest," Ron said, trying to cover for the fact that they didn't take one earlier.

The INFO girl handed two pamphlets and turned to Hermione, and asked, "Sure you don't want one? They are useful. And informational."

"I don't think I want any information on the International Nationol Females Organization. I will be fine."

"Okay, then I guess I will be seeing you around." The girl smiled and waved bye to all of them.

_I hope not_, Hermione thought. Once the INFO girl was out of hearing range she turned to the Cat and begged, "Please! Tell us how to get home! I can't take this Wonderland, as you call it! Please show us the way home!"

Hermione got on her knees and was shaking uncontrollably. Her voiced cracked and she sounded like she was going to break down crying. Ron and Harry looked at her, with shock. The Hermione they knew never sound likeshe was confused and destraught. Their Hermione sounded like she was always in control. Ron started to chuckle at this, he was glad to finally know that Hermione had her limits too. Harry bent down next to Hermione, cradling her in his arms saying, "It's okay, everything will be alright."

"Just remember, that the INFO girl can show you the way," the cat said, with his tail slowly disappearing.

Hermione looked at him with unreleased rage that was bottling up inside her since the beginning of this trip. She started venting, and her nostrils were flaring. Harry and Ron back away from her, they were scared that Hermione might hit anything in range.

Hermione didn't blink while she was staring at the Cheshire cat. The cat gulped and stopped disappearing. So there the cat was sitting with his tail, hind legs and but were missing, with a scared look on his face. (yes cats can have scared looks.)

"Bloody hell," Hermione said only loud enough for Ron, Harry and the cat to hear. Then she yelled, "What the hell can that girl do for us?"

Ron and Harry just stopped moving and breathing. They before had never heard Hermione use the word 'Bloody'. Hermione had instead always scolded them from saying bloody, and now she was pushed to her limit.

In one quick motion she stood up, leaped towards the Cheshire cat and started strangling it. The cat let out a large meow, and quickly finished disappearing. "Hermione are you ok?" Ron asked.

"No, let's find that INFO girl and kill her if she doesn't 'show us the way'," Hermione said. When she had used the words that the cat had used, she snarled and made a face of annoyance!

"Hermione, maybe we better sit her and relax for a little while," Harry suggested.

Hermione got a look of aggravation, but then crawled up into a ball whining, "I just want to go home!"

Harry and Ron tried to comfort her, but she took no notice in them. Instead she started rambling. She carried on screaming out random words and phrases still she said, "Cats get in your way on the bed, while you are trying to sleep. And you don't want to push them off because they fool you with the sweet and innocent look. But then, you remember how last time they were little demons, but they still managed to fool you with the sweet and innocent routine. But then, you remember the time before last time that they pulled the same thing, and you didn't move them because of the sweet and innocent look. So now you are torn between the feeling that they are demon spawns or little angels, and you just can't decide. And you just stay stuck in that indecision for like 10 minutes, till you get to the point that you can't take it anymore, and you run into the shower, curl up in a ball, and cry your eyes out."

Hermione looked around the kitchen and stated, "Don't tell me I'm the only one forced to tears by their cat."

Ron and Harry would have laughed at that except Hermione was looking in really bad condition.

After Hermione had her rave on cats being demon spawns or angles, she got up and asked, "So what are we going to do now?"

As if an answer to her question, the scenery had started to change. It turned into a little cozy shop with a sheep behind the counter.

* * *

A/N: SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SO LONG! it is just I have so much school work to do! and I really wan't to keep this like the books so I consatntly have to keep checking in the books, grr! anyways, hope you like it! review please! I appereciate any types of reviews! and I accept anymous ones also! (if I get more reviews maybe I will update sooner!) thanks for reading! 


	6. sheep's shop and the narrator

Disclaimer: Banana Bashie belongs to Fat Tuesday, only thing that is mine is well the name of the sheep, and her son's nickname and real name, but they very well could belogn to J.K. Rowelling too.

* * *

"INFO! What do you want?" The sheep demanded behind the counter. The INFO girl was looking around the shop. Even though she was a regular, she still need to look at where everything was. 

"Redecorated I see, well, what eggs specials to you have?" The INFO girl asked staring at the things next to the eggs.

"Buy two for 45 cents, or on for 56 cents." The sheep informed her.

"I'll by three for," The INFO girl, paused doing the calculations in her head. "A dollar and one cent."

"You can't buy three for a dollar and one cent, you can only buy one egg for 45 cents or two eggs for 56 cents. Of course if you want to buy 6 eggs for 37 cents you can do that. And you can't combine specials." The sheep told her, yawning.

"I'll buy one egg right now," The girl said, digging in her pocket for change. "So here is 56 cents."

"Grab your own egg," the sheep commanded.

The girl went to the other ended of the store leaving the teenagers and the sheep alone.

"Ronald dear, you have a bit of dirt on your nose," the sheep said to Ron.

"What?" Ron asked.

"Oh, just come here, and I'll get it," the sheep said.

"No!" Ron yelled, taking a couple steps back.

"Ronald, come here, you look like a bum with the dirt," the sheep scolded him.

Harry and Hermione started noticing similarities between the sheep and Ron's mom. For one, they both kept trying to baby Ron, and the sheep had on a blue sweater that had an orange M on the front. Also, the ship was a little pudgy and had red hair, which is extremely odd for a sheep to have. Also, the sheep was knitting what looked like a maroon sweater with an R on the front.

"Excuse me, miss," Hermione started. "But what is your name?"

"Mally," the sheep told her kindly, then yelled at Ron, "If you won't let me get it off, then at least clean it off yourself."

"Who are you my mother?" Ron muttered under his breath.

Harry started looking at the other end of the shop for the INFO girl. He saw her talking to a giant egg, which reminded him of Humpty Dumpty. She looked very bored when the egg was talking. Harry thought that she was about to punch him, out of boredom and aggregation. Harry knew that the egg could talk because he heard him shout, "Glory."

Harry turned his attention back to Ron and the sheep named Mally. The sheep just said, "You are so much like my Rinnikens, always thinking he doesn't need his mother anymore."

"Maybe he doesn't," Ron stated. Then he asked, "Did you ever think that he wasn't a baby any more? Did you even stop and think that maybe he doesn't need you?"

"I know my Rin needs me," the sheep said in defense.

"How old is your Rin?" Ron asked.

"He is almost 16," the sheep said, swelling up with pride.

"The he doesn't need you, unless sheep years are different then humans year," Ron explained. "Your Rin is a grown man, he doesn't need his mom for everything anymore."

"Oh, Ron, if only you told your mother that," Hermione exclaimed.

"Why? What do you mean?" Ron asked.

"Oh never mind," Hermione pouted.

Hermione was angered by the fact that Ron couldn't see that what the sheep, Mally, was doing with her son, Rin, was the same thing that Ron's mum, Molly, was doing with Ron. Harry on the other hand, kind of understood why Ron was so oblivious to his mum's way of treating him. The only thing Ron had that his brothers didn't have was being the baby boy. Subconsciously, Ron must have known that, and was trying to keep it.

"Hey, do you know when the INFO girl is coming back?" Harry asked Mally.

"Let's see," the sheep said, looking down at her sheet. "She should be back in a moment and then Hermione is going to break down, and then the narrator of the story is going to be nice to Hermione, for once, and help Hermione out. Then Harry is going to take over the narrating. Till the narrator is going to come back, and resume her job as being mean to Hermione."

"How do you know all that?" Harry asked.

"It's in the INFO's girl pamphlets," the sheep informed them.

"Please, they can't tell you what happens in the future," Hermione said as she dismissed the thought that the pamphlets were helpful.

"Fine, believe what you want," the sheep responded.

In about a minute the INFO girl came running, saying, "Mrs. Beasley! Quick call the king and have him send all of his horses and men! Humpty fell off his ledge!"

The sheep picked up a microphone and said, "We have a code crack! Calling all the king's men and kin's horses."

"Thanks," the INFO girl said. Then she turned to Harry, Hermione and Ron and greeted them, "Hey guys. How are things going? Did Big C help you out?"

"NO!" Hermione answered her, by yelling. "He said you can show us the way! But you are just some stupid girl, so we are now lost in this horrible place!"

"Whoa, calm down," the INFO girl said. Then she asked Hermione, "Have you ever heard of Jehovah Witnesses?" (A/N: not sure on spelling)

"No," Hermione said sulkily.

"They are the religious people who come, and try and make you convert into their religion because they think it is a right one. They believe that they can show you the way," the INFO girl told her. "I think what my supervisor means is, the way I act in wonderland can help you. You see, when I was little my name wasn't always Karolyn (pounced CARE-O-LYN); it was once Alice. And when I came here when I was 5, I used to think the way you do, but then I changed and I haven't left Wonderland since!"

The INFO girl smiled, like she was proud of that fact. Hermione looked up at the girl and asked, "Really?"

"No. Sorry, I was never Alice, but the part about you learning my ways was true," the girl told Hermione, trying to reassure her. However, that didn't work, in fact it made Hermione worse.

Hermione broke down crying and said, "I just want to go home and check on Crookshanks!"

"Hermione, Crookshanks is fine," Ron told her.

"NO he isn't!" Hermione wailed. "I haven't told you this but my vet says Crookshanks might have a tumor!"

Hermione broke down crying even harder.

(Harry takes over narrating now)

Hi, my name is Harry Potter. You might know me as the boy who lived, or the boy with such a bad anger management problem that in the 5th book, all I do is yell at people who try to help me. Either way, you know me.

The reason why I had to take over narrating was because right Hermione broke down cry again, some girl with freckles, blue eyes, fade red hair (it was her dye job that was fade) and a big baggy black sweater came into Wonderland.

Now stay with me because I have to explain how she came, and it is rather confusing so you might want to reread this a couple times. The narrator faded in. How? Well, first some area of the shop became lighter. Then it was a light outline of a body. It was all pure white and it looked like an angel from heaven had come, but the narrator is nothing like that, it just appeared that she was angel. Then the light body outline started becoming darker, and you could start to make out her sweater and her blue jeans. Then her hair and body were visible. Then the white light disappeared and was replaced by bananas falling from the sky. I don't know how that happened, but it just did.

The narrator ran to Hermione, took her in her arms and said, "That is horrible! It sucks when your pet gets a tumor! My two dogs each have one!"

Then Hermione and the narrator (who at the time we didn't know who she was) started crying together. Hermione managed to ask, after a great deal of crying, "Who are you?"

"I am the narrator!" the narrator wailed, still crying.

"Oh, okay," Hermione said, and joined back up with crying.

(Ron takes over)

Now, what Harry doesn't want you to know was that he also was crying!

(Harry)

Was not!

(Ron)

Was too!

(Harry)

I was not, and if it looked like I did it was probably because I had something in my eye.

(Ron)

You were crying because you miss Sirius, just admit it man, it is nothing to be ashamed of.

(Harry)

Look, a **HUGE HAIRY CREEPY SPIDER!**

(Ron)

**AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!**

(Harry)

Now that he is gone, I was not crying! And back to the story.

The narrator asked to Hermione, "Would you like it if I took you out of the story?"

"I couldn't leave my friends here," Hermione told her.

"What If I take you out of Wonderland, let you get Crookshanks, and anything else you need? Then, of course, I bring you back to your friends," the narrator suggested.

"You can do that?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"You under estimate the powers of writing," the narrator told her.

"Okay, as long as I get back to help my friends," Hermione said. Then she added in a low whispered so only the narrator could hear, (wait if only the narrator could hear, how do I know it?) "They are lost with out me, you know."

"Yes, of course," the narrator said. "Let's go."

"Wait!" I yelled out.

The narrator looked at me, and I asked, "If you can take us out, then why don't you take all of us out of the story?"

"What fun would that be? You still have to meet so many characters and stuff!" the narrator told us. Then she looked at Ron and said, "I hope you get what the sheep represents."

Ron looked confused (and still scared from the spider comment earlier). The narrator shook her head in disappointment.

"When you get back can you write," I started asking her, then pause looked around, and whispered very low in her ear, "can you write that the INFO girl kisses me?"

The narrator looked at me and whispered back, "I never even dreamt that would happen."

She saw my disappointed face and said, "I'll see what I can do."

I smiled at her.

"How did you get it to rain bananas?" Ron asked looking at the bananas on the ground.

"I was in the middle of craving one when I interrupted the story, so I made them rain down," she told us. "Want one?"

"I could go for a banana bashie." I told her, even though I didn't have the slightest clue what that was (damn the power of writing!).

"I could too, but we are all under age and that has alcohol in it," she told us sadly. Then she smiled and said, "Okay, have fun boys. The girls are leaving now."

With that she and Hermione were closed into a giant banana, and then disappeared. Ron and I stood there, awe struck for a mount, till Ron picked up a banana and ate it.

I looked at him funny.

His response was, "What? I'm hungry."

* * *

A/N: I hope I haven't disappointed any of my readers or reviewers. Sorry this one is so much shorter, but shorter chapters are easier for me to update with. Also, anyone who pet's might actually be sick, I really do feel your pain, my dogs are truely sick, and I love them to dea... (maybe I shouldn't use that word) I love them so very very much!  
Also, for everyone who reviewed, thank you kindly! I really appercated it! and even if you think this story is mediocre, still want to hear it! also if anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them, no matter how odd or random! 


	7. inventor knight

Disclaimer: Lewis Carrol owns the inventor knight, and J.K. Rowelling owns Sir Cadogan, I just mixed the two together.

* * *

(Still Harry)  
Right after Hermione and the narrator left, the sheep, Ron and I were all of a sudden standing in a boat and the store turned into a pool of water. No not a pool, an ocean! 

"Row or we won't get any where," the sheep ordered us.

"Let's push her," Ron muttered to me under his breath.

I nodded in agreement, and Ron counted to three. Then we lunged at the sheep and pushed her off the boat. She was screaming about neither of us getting Christmas presents, but we didn't care. We just laughed and laughed as we rowed away.

I don't know why we did that, why we didn't listen to our common sense. We just didn't. I blame Hermione not being there, she always kept us in check.

Do I secretly like Hermione? The way I am talking ("writing," corrects the narrator) about her sure makes me sound like I do. Gee, I guess I need to write down my feelings about Hermione in order to get some order on how I feel. ("Since when do I say 'Gee'?" I ask. "Since now! Now shut up and keep writing!" the narrator commands me.)

But Hermione has always been more like a protective older sister to me. I can't say the same for Ron though. ("Shut up, and get back to the damn plot!" the narrator screams at me. "I'll do anything with Hermione or Ron, okay?") Ron must have felt that Hermione was like a protective younger sister to him, because Ron is older then Hermione, and I'm sure Ron has no sexual feelings towards Hermione at all. None what so ever. He feels nothing for her. She is like a dry piece of bread to him. ("I'm watching you, now get back to the plot," the narrator tells me.)

As I was saying, we kept rowing, till we hit dry land. Actually, dry land hit us. Ron and I had stopped rowing and we put the anchor down so we could take a nap. We heard someone in the distance scream out, "My name is King Georgerific! My name is King Joantalic! My name is to-long-for-me-to-say-out-loud-in-a-song-so-call-me-nameless!"

I hit Ron to wake him up and asked, "Do you hear that?"

"What, nameless?" Ron asked me back.

"Yeah, who is singing?" I asked.

"My foot, now go back to sleep," Ron said grumpily.

"No, I'm serious, who is singing?" I asked.

I looked around and I saw this thing that looked like a whale coming straight towards us. On top of that whale thing it looked like it had a couple trees, a house, and a factory. It started coming straight towards us, and it was moving fast.

"Ron, quick, pull up the anchor," I command.

As we frantically tried to pull up the anchor the whale thing moved faster, and came closer so I could see it was a continent, and it must have been experiencing the continental drift, only super fast!

"Ron, quick start rowing!" I yelled out.

But before we even got our oars in the water the land hit us. We heard a crash and crack. The little rowboat broke in half, and then into a fourth, and into an eight. We fell out of the boat, and Ron got a splinter in his butt.

"Ow, how do you get a splinter out?" Ron asked.

"You get tweezers," I told him.

"Ouch," Ron said, rubbing his bum.

"I know of a way to keep it from hurting," said a voice out of nowhere.

They looked up to see Sir Cadogan. He was riding his fat gray pony, and had a big bag, that was purple with yellow stars.

"Oh shit," Ron muttered under his breath.

"I have come up with an invention that will make splinter removal painless," Sir Cadogan told them, as he galloped up he fell off his pony.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

Sir Cadogan hopped up on his feet and brushed himself off merrily. He laughed and said, "I'm fine, prefect."

Just then some random girl, and this was a new girl and we had never seen her before, came out and hugged Sir Cadogan.

"Show them you invention!" the girl squealed, jumping up and down, clapping.

"Yeah, no prob babe," Sir Cadogan said, smiling and nodding.

He pulled out a picture of a hooker with Elmo's head. He showed it to Ron, and while Ron was distracted by how odd it was, Sir Cadogan took a pair of giant tweezers, and pulled out his splinter.

"OW!" Ron exclaimed. He rubbed his butt and asked, "What was that?"

"It was a picture of a hooker, with Elmo's head pasted on it. While you were distracted by that, I pulled out the splinter," Sir Cadogan said. Then he added, proudly, "It's my own invention."

The random girl clapped again, and then ran away.

"How did you know where the splinter was?" Ron asked.

"I guessed," Sir Cadogan, told him shrugging his shoulder.

"How did you do it with out taking off my pants?" Ron asked, worried.

"I don't know," Sir Cadogan said. "I guess the splinter was sticking out far enough that I didn't need to pull off you pants."

"Thank God," Ron said quietly.

"Now, I shall escort you two fine gentleman to your destination," Sir Cadogan said.

"No, that's ok," I told him. "We can find it by ourselves."

"Nonsense," Sir Cadogan said, "I will be happy to escort you."

"No, we have a pamphlet, we are fine," Ron said.

"You don't need a pamphlet," Sir Cadogan told us. "We have the INFO girl herself."

"Where?" I asked, my eyes lighting up.

"She my horse," Sir Cadogan said.

"What?" Ron and I asked at the same time.

"Hey, Cadogan, when you said help you move your stuff, I didn't know you meant move you," the INFO girl said.

She stood up on her legs; she was in fact the pony. She had dressed up as the pony, and had hooves and a tail. Ron started laughing, and I was trying my best not to laugh.

"Why did I have to dress like a horse?" asked INFO.

"What is a knight with out a horse?" asked Sir Cadogan.

"You could have just gotten some coconuts and used them to make the sounds of hooves hitting the ground. Then you could have said you got the coconuts from a sparrow that brought them over from some tropical island," INFO suggested.

"A sparrow couldn't carry a coconut," Sir Cadogan stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Well, two of them could have brought it over, if the stringed it between them," INFO defended.

"That wouldn't happen because it would make the sparrows tried after awhile," Sir Cadogan explained.

"What if they got a flock?" the INFO girl suggested.

"No, that wouldn't work either," Sir Cadogan said, shaking his head.

"Well, I still don't want to be dressed up like a horse," INFO said.

"You look so funny," Ron said, through his laughter.

"Shut up or I'll stomp on you," INFO said, trying to hit him with her hands, which looked like hooves in the costume.

I started laughing too, and INFO hit me with her hooves. After we had a good laugh, INFO asked, "Where are we off to?"

"Oh," Ron said, "we were just going to look in the pamphlet."

"I think you should go to the tea party," INFO informed us.

"Ok, off we go," Sir Cadogan.

"Great," INFO said. Then she asked, "Who wants to ride-"

She stopped in the middle of her sentence and said, "I'm not going to finish that."

"Since you are my horse for the day, I get to ride you," Sir Cadogan said, unaware of the dirty meaning about this saying.

"NO," the INFO girl said, fierce fully. "You need to lose some pounds fat ass. Do you think I kept knocking you off for fun?"

The girl got this whole oh-yeah attitude, and then said, "Well it was fun, but that wasn't the main reason. Carrying you was like carrying John Goodman."

Ron and I had no clue what that meant, so we just nodded. Sir Cadogan pouted, and looked sad, and poked at his belly.

"Ok, no one gets to ride me," INFO said in a demanding voice, but then laughed at what she said. She regained herself and said, "We are heading to the tea party, and hopefully Hermione and the narrator will join us there. Agreed?"

Everyone nodded their heads, and the INFO girl said, "Alright, move out."

* * *

A/N: sorry about the long wait but I got distracted! sorry! thanks for reading! hope you enjoy it, and I stopped caring if you review or not, so do what ever! thanks! 


	8. tea party

begin disclaimer: tea party belongs to Lewis Carroll, Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowelling, and INFO/the narrator/K.C. belong to me! end disclaimer

* * *

(Ron starts narrating for some reason)  
"When's Hermione coming back?" I asked, with a yawn. 

"Why do you care?" INFO asked with an evil glare.

"Well, if she came back then she could probably figure out how to get out of here," I explained rather sheepishly.

"Riiiggghhttt," Harry said with a devilish grin.

"Shut up Harry," I snapped at him, while giving him a punch.

"Well, are we almost at the tea party, I'm really tried," I told them with another yawn.

"I have an invention that can help with that," Sir Cadogan told them.

He started searching through his bag, till the INFO girl, who was still in the gray pony suit, galloped up to him and started mauling him. She pushed him to the ground and kept beating him with her hooves. While she was beating him she kept yelling, "No One Cares! No One Wants To Hear About Your Stupid Invention!"

Harry and I ran over, and pulled her off of Sir Cadogan. She kept resisting against us, and it looked like she was foaming at the mouth. We looked at Sir Cadogan to see if he was ok. He was anything but ok, he was curled up in a ball and shaking vigorously. He had a look of pure horror on his face. For those of you who don't know what a look of pure horror is, on Sir Cadogan it looks like this; his mouth hung open extremely wide, his eyes were also open the widest they could get, he had cuts all over him, and he kept mouthing the words "We represent the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League" over and over again. I let go of INFO and went over to help up Sir Cadogan. As I helped him up to his feet, he said out loud, "We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land."

Then he ran off, well he didn't really run off, he kind of did ballet off. My mouth dropped in shock, and I looked at Harry who had a very confused look on also. INFO stopped struggling against Harry's hold and smiled. She wiped the foam off her mouth and said, "Thank God he is gone."

"You're foaming," I stated.

"Thanks, I couldn't tell," she told me back sweetly. She looked at the foam on her hand and then ate it. Both Harry and I made disgusted noises and she explained, "It is whipped cream silly."

She pulled out a can and showed it to us. Harry looked at her oddly and asked, "Why do you have whipped cream?"

"To scare him away," she told us like it was obvious.

"You know, I think we can find the tea party by ourselves, thanks for all your help," I told her. I nudged Harry and we started walking away.

"Yoooouuu," the INFO girl stuttered, but started crying uncontrollably. In between her sobs she managed to say, "You… don't… want… me to… come… too."

She let out a huge wail, and Harry went over to comfort her. He placed his arm around her and said, "Of course we want you to come with us, but-"

"Great, just give me a second," INFO said, cutting him off. She stood up straight, and started to unzip the gray pony costume. As it fell to the ground, the INFO girl stepped out of it revealing a long, formal, deep blue dress. It was off the shoulder and the sleeve flowed out. The front was beaded, and the back had a long train. She smiled at them and said, "Ok, I'm ready to go."

"Where? A party with the Queen?" I asked amazed.

"The queen is having her party next week silly, she has the croquet game today," INFO told me with a smile. "No, I'm ready to go to the Tea Party!"

"Dressed like that?" Harry asked stunned.

"Yes, here I led the way," she told us.

As we started walking, I leaned in a whispered to Harry, "She is psychotic."

(Harry takes over)  
We kept walking a little bit and finally we heard something in the distances. It sounded like mad laughter and yawning. The INFO girl smiled and turned to us saying, "We're almost there!"

I couldn't help but smile at her, with that excited, happy expression. Ron noticed that and nudged me. I turned and looked at him and he asked, "You like her don't you?"

"No," I told him sternly. He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything else.

"Riiiiggghhhhttttt," Ron said sarcastically.

As we walked up to the house, INFO took us around the back and we saw a large table with plates, teacups, silverware, glasses, and food. There were around thirty chairs and at the very end of the table was a brown rabbit, whom we will soon call the March Hare; a guy with a huge nose and an even bigger hat that had a sign on it that read, 25 off; the same door mouse who was at the town meeting; and Hermione and the narrator were laughing at drinking tea with them.

Ron and I ran over to Hermione. She saw us and smiled. Ron asked her, "Are you ok?"

"Fine, I'm great," Hermione told them with a laugh.

"No room, no room," the March Hare, the Mad Hatter, and the door mouse chanted together in an annoying voice.

"Oh Hatter, these are my friends," Hermione told the Mad Hatter.

"Still, no," the Mad Hatter stopped and looked at INFO, and said, "INFO! Darling you look great, come sit down!"

INFO looked at Hermione and then the narrator. INFO ran to the narrator and hugged her. When she pulled away from the hug and said, "Narrator, I haven't seen you in so long! How have you been?"

"INFO, you look fantastic," the narrator told her, looking her up and down. "I couldn't have thought of a better dress myself."

"And I got it when Ron was narrating," INFO told her with a smile.

"I don't believe it," the narrator told her with disbelief. Then she asked, "What's up?"

"Nothing but the sky," INFO told the narrator smiling, but then INFO frowned when she realized what she said.

The narrator looked at her with disgust and asked, "Who is narrating right now?"

"Harry," INFO told her quickly, giving me an evil glare.

The narrator walked over to me and slapped me across my face. It stung, and burnt a little bit. I looked at her with a shocked expressioned and she said, "That was a horrible answer to my question."

"Sorry," I mumbled guiltily. Then I sat down next to Hermione and asked, "How are you?"

"Fine," she told me with a smile, "look, I brought Crookshanks."

She held up a grumpy looking cat, and the door mouse screeched out, "CAT!" The dormouse ran out of its seat, and ran around the table. It jumped into a teacup, but then jumped out and ran into a teapot, where it continued to yell, "CAT, CAT!"

"Oh, and look who I brought back," the narrator said, and point to the floor. Hermione placed Crookshanks on the floor, and Crookshanks ran over to a fat light blonde golden retriever and snuggled up against him and went to take a nap. Ron and I went over to get a better look at the dog.

The dog lifted it head up and said, "Hello, you must be Harry Potter." I nodded amazed, and then the dog said, "I'm a big fan."

"Uhh, thanks," I said unsure of what else to say.

"Oh sorry, not you Harry, I was talking to Ron Weasley over there," the dog told me, while pointing to Ron with his snout.

Ron pointed to himself, and asked, "Me? How?"

"My owner is a big fan," he told Ron. "Oh, by the way, my name is Kid's Choice, or K.C. for short."

"Actually, we changed his name to Kid's Creature," the narrator told us.

"Oh, he is yours?" I asked.

"He's free now," the narrator told us with a force smile, and looked up at the sky. After a couple minutes she said, "I do believe the sky is clouding over."

"Do you want some wine?" the March Hare asked.

"Yeah," Ron said excitedly. He looked around, frowned and said, "I don't see any wine."

"That's cause there isn't any," The March Hare said, and started laughing with the Mad Hatter, the door mouse, Hermione and the narrator.

"It isn't very nice to offer something that isn't there," Ron told him.

"It isn't very nice to sit down with out being offered a chair," the Hatter told him, and then said, "Your hair is an ugly color."

"It's very rude to make personal remarks," Ron snarled at him.

"Oh shut it ugly," the door mouse said with a yawn.

"That's it, Crookshanks attack!" Ron commanded. Crookshanks looked at him like he was pathetic and just went back to sleep.

Hermione let out a laugh and then remembered, "Oh Hatter, before we were so rudely interrupted, you will telling me about why Time is angry at you so."

"Right you are Hermie," the Hatter said. He then cleared his throat and said, "I was at a concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I was requested to sign. You probably heard my song."

He cleared his throat and sang,

"_Twinkle, twinkle little bat!  
How I wonder where you're at!  
__Up above the world you fly,  
__Like a tea-try in the sky_."

The March Hare, the door mouse, the narrator, and Hermione all joined in and sang, "_Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle_."

Everyone who was just sung broke into a high-pitched laughter. At the same time they all broke the laughter off, sighed, and took a sip of tea in unity. Hermione took a bite of a cupcake that was in a woven basket. The basket looked like it was made from hair and twigs and Hermione said, "March Hare, these are delicious. What is in it?"

"Oh the usually, I used roses for the flower, and then I added honey to give it a sweet taste. Of course I added a secret family ingredient," the March Hare explained. He sat up straight and continued, in a very Martha Stewart voice, "And I made the basket out of the hair I shaved from my legs, and my armpit hair. The twigs are from those trees that smell like root beer, it gives any food in the basket a little something extra."

Ron and I gave each other a look of disgust, but said nothing. INFO sat down and took a cup of tea. She took a small sip, swished it around in her mouth, swallowed and said, "I taste insanity."

"That's the family secret ingredient!" Exclaimed the March Hare.

"I think it could have used some more insanity if you ask me," the narrator told them.

"It's rude to make personal remarks, as ugly hair said earlier," the Hatter reminded the narrator. He looked at his giant pocket watch and said, "Time to move down."

Everyone except Ron, K.C. who was resting with Crookshanks, and me all moved down one seat. The narrator and Hermione signaled for us to move down, but we still didn't move. Hermione came over to me, grabbed my ear, and pulled me down to a new seat. The narrator came over to Ron, whispered something in his ear, and waited for his response. Ron looked at her, and smiled devilishly. The narrator got the same smiled, and winked at him. Ron winked back, and then the narrator slapped him across his face. Ron looked back at her with shock and she said with an innocent voice, "Move down please."

Ron pouted, but didn't say anything. He moved down next to me and poured himself a cup of tea from a pink and green teapot. He lifted the cup up to his mouth, paused for a second thinking about the whole secret ingredient thing, and cautiously took a small sip. He quickly spat it back out, unfortunately he sprayed it all over me. I glared at him, and he smiled weakly. He handed me a towel and whispered, "Sorry, but the tea taste like old moldy socks."

"Has anyone seen my gym socks?" the door mouse asked, with a yawn.

"Oh yes, I put them in the pink and green teapot," Hermione told the door mouse.

Ron gagged and started scrapping the taste off his tongue. Ron started turning green, while I turned to Hermione and asked, "Don't you think it is time we get out of here?"

"All right, if you insist," Hermione said and put down her cup. She stood up, cleared her throat and said, "March Hare, Mad Hatter, and the sleeping door mouse, thank you all for the lovely tea party." At this point everyone, except me, started laughing madly, but then quickly stopped. "However, we must continue on our road to, well …" she paused and looked at the narrator. The narrator looked back at her, and Hermione asked, "What is our road?"

"Oh well," the narrator paused and thought about it. She looked at the INFO girl, and asked, "Can I see a pamphlet?"

"Oh sure darling," the INFO girl said, and pulled a pamphlet from the front of her dress.

The narrator looked through the pamphlet, and was muttering things like, "Done that; that isn't coming for a while; oh, I can't wait to see that; Hermione is going to hate me for that."

"So were do we go next?" Hermione asked.

"The lion and the unicorn," the narrator told us. She ushered us up and said, "Now I can't help you anymore so just remember that the INFO girl can show you the way, and the pamphlets are informational."

"Which way do we go?" I asked.

"Just follow the path till you reach the fishpond, then turn one way," the narrator told us. She grabbed the basket that the March Hare made, and placed Crookshanks in it. She gave the basket to Hermione, then pushed us towards the path and said, "Now go!" As we started walking away the narrator slapped Ron on his butt, and I saw the grin appear on Ron's face. Then she called to me, "Don't worry Harry, I'll take over narrating now. And this will be fun!"

* * *

A/N: I haven't written for this story in a long time, sorry! And the reason I just did was because my emotions have been all over, and I have almost cried like 10 times during today, and I have no clue why. So I decided to take a break from the drama and sad stuff, and do something fun and, hopefully, funny. Also, I was just in the play Alice in Wonderland so it kind of got me in the mood to write for this! Just thanks for reading! (and hopefully reviewing!) 


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